living my dreams.

I’m constantly searching for something new to read, and until I read it, it’s going on my book list. Here’s my most recent list:

This conference has been full of firsts and lasts for me - the first time I’ve ever felt confident in leading a committee, the first time I’ve truly enjoyed being a part of this team, and the first time that I’ve felt that MUN is such an important part of who I am and who I’m going to be. This is also the last time I’ll be joining my team for our 7:30 am awards moment, the last time I sit in the Great Hall as a delegate, and this is my last outstanding delegation award to cap off a great four years as part of the Alma MUN family.

Alma MUN has given me so much in a short four years. I’ve learned a lot about myself and the things I’m capable of. While I haven’t always been positive, especially when it comes to the late nights and the endless tests of knowledge, I know that I have gained the skills that can get me anywhere I want to go. I have found my passion and desire to help others in the world and for that, I am grateful for all of the hard work and mental pain it took to find it. Maybe one day, I’ll be able to give back to the program as much as it has given me.

I don’t claim to be the best delegate on the team nor the most experienced - that’s not what I want. I want to share this experience with my teammates and serve as a role model for the newer team members and hope that they can have the same wonderful experience I had.

Now for my moment of bragging: in my four years, I’ve had four outstanding delegation awards, 4 position paper awards, and even a delegates’ choice award. Leaving on a high note… There’s nothing better.

Wow. This is amazing.

http://thebloggess.com/2012/01/the-fight-goes-on/

Good thing there’s only a week left of classes. I’m losing more and more motivation each day.

This semester sucks. I feel like I’m putting in a ton of effort in my classes, but it’s just not paying off.

SUCK. SUCK. SUCK. SUCK. SUCK.

For much of my life, I have battled a variety of mental disorders - depression, generalized anxiety disorder, and most recently another anxiety disorder, social phobia. I’ve intermittently dealt with one or all of these during the last ten years of my life, and consequently received both therapy and medications to prevent relapse. Inevitably, I experienced a particularly strong relapse my sophomore year of college that peaked near the end of my junior year, causing a great deal of tension in both my own mental state and my personal relationships. During this time, my anxiety disorder became nearly unbearable, causing me to develop an even more intense aversion the things I feared the most - failure and close personal relationships. My fear of failure caused me to place such high expectations upon myself that it became a self-fulfilling prophecy that I couldn’t meet those expectations. I joined a sorority with the belief that I could cure myself of the fear of being socially awkward and unable to fit in, but my anxiety overcame me and I began retreating to the safety of my dorm room and making up various excuses so that I wouldn’t have to go out in public and risk being anxious and making a fool of myself. I’d literally lose sleep over worrying what I would say in a telephone conversation that I would need to have the next day or worrying that I would fail a test even though I had studied adequately.

Consequently, my sophomore year was the worst for me both academically and socially. I learned to believe that no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t be like the smart and successful students that I looked to as role models. I gave up on the hope of being able to do something satisfying and successful after Alma - I literally believed that I wasn’t smart enough or socially competent to be able to achieve what I was watching everyone else achieve. Each poor grade, comment, and refusal that I received was a blow to what little confidence I already had and created an intense lack of motivation for me. Despite these negative and pervasive things, I learned how to disguise my unhappiness and anxiety rather well.

There is no denying that I still struggle with these things each day - there is absolutely no doubt about that. I wake up each morning and remind myself that going to class is important no matter how uncomfortable it makes me, I can do well on tests if I put my mind to it, and being successful doesn’t always mean you have to be #1 in everything. People are smart in their own ways - intelligence is unique, and it took me a long time to realize that.

Here I am, getting ready to graduate, with a great deal of uncertainty ahead of me. I know I will continue to battle these disorders that have been rather disabling at certain points in my life, but I also know that seeking help and creating supportive relationships is the only way I can help myself to prevent a relapse. I’ve been able to form a few close relationships in my life, and while I wish I could have more, I know that these are already a huge step in overcoming my fear of interpersonal relationships and providing myself with a network of support. I’ve been able to change my thinking patterns to reflect the belief that I can do whatever I want to as long as I put my mind to it, and despite those people in my life that seem to think I’m stuck to achieving only mediocrity, I’m certain that I will be able to accomplish most (if not all) of the things on my personal to-do list for the next year and a half. Getting in to the top graduate school of my choice and getting the job of my dreams… being able to rub those things in the face of those who doubt me will be insanely gratifying for me.

Mental disorders may be able to define who you are, but they can never define or limit what you can do. Living with these disorders are undoubtedly difficult. Each day is different - taking things day by day and learning better coping and adapting skills can remove the limits these disorders can have on a person. Finding ways to help your loved ones who struggle with their own mental disorders can be the best thing you can do for them, but the most important thing is to become their support system. Recognize the signs of their personal distress and be there in their time of need, whether it’s just to provide a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on. It is impossible to measure how much the support you can provide to someone will mean to them. It will make more of a difference than you can imagine.

I have chosen to battle the one sickness I can have control over and I am proud to say that I am currently fighting a winning battle.